50 Days

… until my 26th birthday.

Part I … about that day

Something to know about me – I don’t like my birthday.

I’ve written about it a lot before, about the fact that the coming of my birthday is like the anticipation of something ominous and foreboding. I think it was ruined by my mom, about 10 years ago. As the days count down (50, in fact) towards the 30th of November, I can feel myself resigning further and further into a downward spiral of self deprecation and unhappiness.

Sure, there are 50 whole days to plan for good memories on that day… but I doubt that I’ll ever erase all the terrible things that have been burnt into the surface of my retina.

 

Part II … and what did all those years mean?

Do you ever wonder where did all those years go? Those minutes and hours you spent with the people of your youth, only to find that it was all just an apparition – smoke and mirrors of years past?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking these past few months, looking at my life with a macroscopic eye. How did I spend my time? Who did I spend it with? What did I learn? Was I bettering myself? Was I happy? Who makes me happy? What makes me happy? Am I happy?

And at the end of all this thinking, I emerged from a vast collection of memories and ‘good times’ with…

nothing.

It’s not that I realized nothing. It’s that I realized I have nothing. Nothing that matters. Nothing to remember. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing in my life.

Everything that I fill my life with – the things, the music, the airline miles, the photographs, the apartment, the insane calendaring, the lists upon lists of lists – it’s all for nothing.

I don’t know how I go about every day not bashing my skull into the wall.

To live, one must be insane.


What I’m listening to…

I saw ZHU perform 3 times during his Dune tour… once in San Francisco at the Bill Graham theatre, once in Brooklyn at Brooklyn Steel, and once more for Blacklizt at Elsewhere. Of the three shows, the Brooklyn Dune show and Blacklizt are tied in their performance. This is my favorite song from his new album. Repetitive a f, but catchy.

 

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